Lake Forest, IL – Arthur Ellison, 16, reported today that during a conversation with his friend, Edward Walton, (who insists that he is a “bro”), touched him eleven times while having a conversation Monday.
Sources have confirmed that the number is in fact eleven. Witness’ to this event recall that Arthur and Edward where having a “normal conversation,” until Edward compulsively started to pet his fellow friend.
“They were just talking about how they both failed some test, it was at that point that Edward started stroking his (Arthur’s) arm…like some sort of domesticated animal,” says Charles Elliot, a “bro” in the immediate vicinity of the incident. “My first reaction was to just pass it off as just another attempt to show “bro” status; but I quickly began to realize that after the second and tenth time, that this definitely was beyond a sign of friendship.”
Other onlookers were repulsed by this event.
“I happened to be walking to my health class,” Scott Carsen, 15, who admitted that he had just smoked two bowls of marijuana last period. “I think it is totally inappropriate for students to engage in those kinds of activities. You know, it’s just, uh, totally wrong.”
The analysis of Edward Walton’s behavior, as seen by many, should be addressed. Students were shocked by this inordinate amount of physical contact during a seemingly normal conversation. People were reported to have been baffled by the situation, causing a slight amount of panic and confusion in the hallways. Sources say that Edward had received “the stink-eye” numerous times after the incident. Student’s who were perplexed by this sudden outbreak of conversational touching, lashed out in acts of violence, impaling peers with pencils upon suspicion of being “petted” during conversation. Many though, wondered why it was that Edward Walton felt the need to touch Arthur Ellison in the first place, let alone eleven times.
“This is just unbelievable,” says Jane Schmidt, 17, Student Counsel President of Lake Forest High School, also a notable over-achiever and publicly accused brown-noser. “Nobody should have to endure a conversation like this. I think that Edward should be reprimanded. He should also receive counseling.”
Only hours after the incident did we catch up with Arthur Ellison to ask him about the incident.
“Well, I, was shocked to say the least. We were talking, you know, just talking about our tests. It was weird; he like, just, uh, grabbed my shoulder. It was like I was in some sort of petting zoo. I don’t belong in a petting zoo, that’s for goats…I’m not a goat.”
This is true; we have confirmed that Arthur Ellison is not a goat, or has ever been a goat.
Our news team tried to catch up with Edward Walton later in the day, but to our dismay he refused to be interviewed, stating “I have no official comment until I consult my attorney on this matter.”
Edward then clamored through his backpack for roughly 45 seconds, until he produced a copy of Good Housekeeping which he used to shield his face as he walked onto his bus.
Other victims of excessive conversational touching have now come forward, forcing Lake Forest High School to address the situation. An anonymous report during 6th period lunch says that a dean was overheard commenting about the situation, saying, “what a bunch of fidgety little assholes. If I was running this place, I would enslave all of them…make them work like the kids in East Asia.”
There has been no official publication yet, but speculators tend to think that the situation will be dealt with in a timely fashion. Everybody is concerned about the repercussions, including Rodney Wilson, 53, one of the schools janitors.
“Yes, the school has a reputation to uphold. We currently hold the image of being rich snobs who play polo and drink expensive wine, which absolutely cannot be compromised because of one incident, such as this one. I expect that the school’s board will set this as a high priority, definitely above the current plumbing issue.”
Until then, student vigilante justice will enforce the hallways, until an official decree can be reached.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This was inspired by the Onion. God, do I love that paper/website.
ReplyDeleteOne day my friend told me about an incident in the hallway, so I decided that instead of paying attention in my chemistry class (not an unusual occurrence) that I would instead write a fake-news story.
Fake-news is so much more fun to write than real news.